I know it’s been quite some time since I have updated you guys on what’s going on. We had a little thing called football season get in the way of any writing that could have been done. And in case you guys don’t know, high school football is kind of a big deal in the state of Texas. At least to some people…
So let’s recap. We went 6-3 and got beat in the 2nd round of the playoffs by the #3 ranked team in 4A in the state of Texas. My beloved Hogs had a decent year and went to a bowl. At which, someone in Arkansas with deep pockets paid the kicker from ECU a LOT of money to miss 2 field goals inside of a minute in regulation and one in OT. He had to have been bought b/c even the kicker from the Cowboys could have made one of three. I heard they made him ride back to NC in the luggage compartment. Well they were going to but he missed the plane.
The holidays were good. We had a nice break and it was pretty relaxing. We stayed around here and knocked all three Christmases out in 1 day. It made Christmas day pretty hectic but we got it over with and were able to relax and enjoy the rest of our time off.
School is going fine. I don’t have any outlandish stories about our brilliant leaders of tomorrow to tell right now…well there was this one day we were on the track with our first period class. You see, our district has made a push to increase the intensity of our physical education department. So when the weather is nice, we go outside and do some cardio work on the track. Well this particular day, we had the students walk around the curves and run the straight ways on the track. The kids were doing a good enough job. Most of them have never run 10 yards much less 100! But this one particular girl, Taylor, had stopped running all together and was walking around the entire track. When she got around to the finish line where 2 other coaches and I were standing, I told her she needed to pick it up and run like the rest of the class. She looked at me, grabbed her boobs, and yelled, “MAN, MY TITTIES ARE HURTIN!!” One of our veteran coaches looked at her and calmly told her to hold ‘em when she runs, one of our younger coaches turned red and dropped his jaw b/c he couldn’t believe she just said that. I dropped to my knee because I could not stand up straight from laughing so hard. She walked the rest of the way.
So with continued exposure to high level excellence everyday, I felt it necessary for Corey and I to start a nightly bible story with our kids in hopes of raising them to fear God, love others and to know you don’t yell at a coach and inform him that certain parts of your body are HURTIN…MAN! We are going through a book called “Step into the Bible” by Ruth Graham. One of the stories is about the fruits of the Spirit. For those who don’t know, or need some reminding, they are: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. At the end of each story, there are a handful of questions to follow up the story. Drew (6 yr old) is usually the first one to answer them and he usually blurts out the answers but is usually always right. I guess that’s the male coming out in him; you know, wanting everyone to know that he knows the answers! The first question on this particular story is, oddly enough, “What are the fruits of the Spirit?” Well Drew threw his hand up and starts saying, “Ew-Ew-Ew I know, I know.” (As is his nightly custom when any question is asked) Baylie usually just sits there and lets him answer or waits on me to call on her. Casey NEVER wants to answer and if I ask her to she looks at me and says, “Uhhhh Jesus”. That is her standard answer. To every question. Every night. And when I tell her that’s not right, she responds with, “Uhhhh God”. So this particular night, I called on Casey and she said, “Uhhhh Jesus”. I just moved on to Baylie. Baylie knew most of them, but when she got stuck, Drew raised his hand and said, “Ew-Ew-Ew I know, I know”. So I said, “Ok, Drew what are the other fruits of the Spirit.” He put his finger on his chin and as serious as he could be he said, “Well there’s Pineapple....” We couldn’t finish we were laughing so hard. I just put the book down and moved on. Well, we told our babysitter that story (she was with them when they were in daycare). Come to find out, they had the fruits of the Spirit written on cutouts of fruits and hung on the wall at the daycare. One of them was on the shape of…you guessed it, a pineapple. So those pictures of fruit were engrained in his head that they were the fruits of the Spirit. What a relief to know he’s not completely retarded!
Monday, January 18, 2010
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Life Lessons
Some of you may or may not know, but Corey and I have been working with the children’s ministry at our church, Heritage Baptist in Texarkana (if you are looking for a church home, come check us out. (plug)). Well one Sunday not too long ago, the main point of the lesson was that God knows what you are doing even if nobody else does. Well I’m pretty sure it was pertaining to the decisions we make in relation to God’s plan for our lives. Specifically sin. The lesson was geared towards making the kids understand that, basically, who you really are is defined by the choices you make when nobody is around or what you do if you knew no one would ever find out. Well the lesson took on a whole new meaning for me as we were driving home from church that morning. As we pulled up to the last stop light before our neighborhood, I glanced over to the car next to us and saw a young lady knuckle deep in the mucus canal. Now, before I go any further, I do not want to sound like a hypocrite. I am man enough to admit that I have been guilty of cleansing my nasal cavity a time or two while stopped at a red light. But a simple booger removal is not the heinous act that had me so disturbed. She was so vigorously digging for gold, it was like a car wreck and I could not look away. The next moment was the defining moment of the scene and it seemed to have happened almost in slow motion. I was in such disbelief that I sat there as the light turned green and pondered whether or not I truly witnessed a grown woman not only hold the crater out in front of her face as if to admire some kind of trophy, but paused, apparently savoring the moment, and inserted her catch of the day right in her mouth. (You knew it was coming!) She then drove off with a smirk on her face as if to say, “Now that’s a good booger.” I know it’s disgusting, but I hope we can all learn something from this. And that is: sometimes there is no one around and God is the only one who will see and know what you are doing. But SOMETIMES even if no one seems to be around, someone may be watching. So don’t eat your boogers in public. Or at all for that matter. And the worse part about it is…I KNOW THE GIRL. I went to high school with her. I will never reveal her identity but I also will never be able to look at her the same. Anytime someone brings her name up, her name will forever have a negative connotation. And I CERTAINLY will not be shaking hands with her when I see her again! I didn’t know anyone over 5 still did that.
The ride home from church tends to bring about some interesting conversation. Just this last Sunday, Drew and Casey rode home with Corey. Apparently they talked about what they were thankful for during Sunday School. Corey got the typical answers: family, friends, toys, bicycle, etc. Drew did most of the talking and Casey just sat there and listened to Drew. When Corey pulled up at the house, Drew asked if he could stay outside and ride his bike while Corey got lunch ready. Corey said yes and asked Casey if she was going to play outside. She said very matter-of-factly, “No, I’m gonna stay outside and tell Drew what he is thankful for.” She obviously didn’t like his answers. Thank goodness she’s around to keep him in shape!
The ride home from church tends to bring about some interesting conversation. Just this last Sunday, Drew and Casey rode home with Corey. Apparently they talked about what they were thankful for during Sunday School. Corey got the typical answers: family, friends, toys, bicycle, etc. Drew did most of the talking and Casey just sat there and listened to Drew. When Corey pulled up at the house, Drew asked if he could stay outside and ride his bike while Corey got lunch ready. Corey said yes and asked Casey if she was going to play outside. She said very matter-of-factly, “No, I’m gonna stay outside and tell Drew what he is thankful for.” She obviously didn’t like his answers. Thank goodness she’s around to keep him in shape!
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Glory Days
The NBA playoffs is the only time I’ll really sit down to watch NBA basketball anymore. Back in the day of Jordan and Bird and Magic, I could watch any game on any night. Not anymore. I hate the regular season and I don’t necessarily love the playoffs, but if I’m gonna watch it, that’s it. But while watching the playoffs I almost always become nostalgic and get an itch to play some pick-up games in hopes of reliving some of my past glories from the good ol’ days in high school. (It depends on who you ask as to whether or not they really were glory days, but the farther I get from those days, the better I remember myself.) However, even though I’m only 32, I feel 52 the day after I play. Even though I know the exercise and the camaraderie of the game are good for me both physically and emotionally (just ask Dr. Phil), it’s still hard to make myself do it. Well a few years ago, while still in Nacogdoches, the playoffs were on and I was coerced into playing a pickup game. I gave in one Saturday afternoon and was off to the gym. I already felt guilty enough going on a Saturday and Baylie added salt to my wound. As I was walking out the door, she gave me those pouty eyes and asked why I had to go on a Saturday. She already has me wrapped around her little finger; and that look she gave me made me feel like she was squeezing the life out of me like a python wrapped around a lab rat. But I’m a man. So I did what most red-blooded, tough-skinned, manly-man guys would do…I scooped her up, was gonna put her in the car and take her with me. Drew was only 2 at the time and on our way out, he was standing in the kitchen. At this point, I was ready to abort the mission and just stay home. He looked up at me, pointed and said, “Ga Digga Digga. Ga Nugga Nigh.” Whew, he was cool with it. He understood. That’s my boy. So off Baylie and I go. On the way there Baylie was playing every 1st grade child’s favorite game—20 questions. And every question started with the word, “Dad”. As if there were anyone else that she could possibly be talking to. “Dad, why are you going to play basketball?” “Dad, do you like to play basketball?” “Dad, did you play basketball when you were a little boy?” “Dad, can I play basketball when I get bigger?” “Dad, did mommy play basketball when she was a little girl?” “Dad, how old is mommy?” “Dad, when I get big, I’m gonna have lots of kids just like you and mommy (Casey was almost 1).” Whoa!! Let’s listen to some music, what do you say? So we get to the gym with no more talk of my innocent little angel bearing a multitude of children. She was pretty good during the hoop-fest. She stayed pretty patient and was running around entertaining herself while we were playing. In general, she was not paying a whole lot of attention to us. Every now and then, she would see me make a shot she would yell at me, “Good shot, Dad.” (I knew I brought her for a reason.)Later that night, I thought it would be a good follow up to the day for Baylie and me to sit down and watch a little B-ball together. You know, some high quality father-daughter bonding time. Well I turn the game on, (the Lakers were playing somebody), and I walk to the kitchen to get us a snack. I barely get back to the fridge when I hear Baylie yelling at me. “Daaaaaad! Daaaaaad! Cooooome Heeeeeere Pleeeeeease!” So I go back to the living room anticipating a profound discovery. She looks at me, points to the TV and says, “Now, that’s how you play basketball!”
What does she know? She’s only five. Not to worry, in a few years, I’ll look back on that pick-up game and remember myself as the reincarnate of Pistol Pete Maravich. Ugly days today, glory days tomorrow.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Storms Brewing
This is an actual storm warning issued by our local weather service.
You should be on the look out for storms brewing in the Spring Lake Park area of Texarkana. One of these storms that has a tendency to develop is Tropical Depression Baylie. This storm moves slowly through the region with whining and complaining winds. You must be on the look out for a system of illnesses causing the storm to gain strength as the Depression begins to near the moment of departure. Typical characteristics of this Depression and its magnitude include, but are not limited to, intestinal irregularities, problematic symptoms located in the cranial region of the storm and uncomfortable sensations in the earnoseandthroat area of the system. Most, if not all, of these characteristics can be manifested solely through the imagination process of the storm. None the less, beware of the possibility that the storm may gain strength as it displays convincing techniques to remain stalled over the initial location from which the storm began brewing. Once Tropical Depression Baylie begins to subside, maintain a firm stance and whatever you do, do not give in to the Depression. Any wavering or weakness spotted by the storm could create an atmosphere conducive to the storm regaining strength and creating an environment of infuriation with extremely negative reactions. Warning, do not look the storm in the eye. As doing so will cause an unsuspecting bystander to succumb to the power of persuasion associated with Tropical Depression Baylie and allow the storm to remain stalled over its location of origination. This storm has shown high tendencies of developing in the early morning hours and almost always on Mondays.
If Tropical Depression Baylie does not seem to be prevalent on a certain morning, you must be on the look out for small thunderstorms developing in the west that could form into Tropical Storm Drew. This storm is characterized by typically mild thunderstorms with a tendency to subside almost immediately upon formation. It is normally not a high pressure system and generally only a few factors cause this Storm to develop into mild to moderate showers. Of these factors, the most common cause for storm maturity is a dissatisfaction with the selection of the footwear that Mother Nature has selected to cover the southern-most region of the storm. There is no pattern as to why or when the Storm will develop. And though Tropical Storm Drew rarely strengthens and will generally dwindle on its own, there are certain instances when Father Time must intercede and unleash a wave of opposing storm systems to counteract the effectiveness of the Storm. These stern and forceful systems will cause the Storm to produce sudden shrieking winds followed by a short period of intense thunderstorms with a possibility of flooding. However, this reaction is classically short-lived and the showers soon dissipate, clearing the way for blue skies and sunshine for the remainder of the day. The Storm by and large only has a 10% chance of occurring; and due to the moderate nature of the storm, there is no need for anxiousness or concern when approaching the core of the system. Proceed as normal.
Though both of these storms can manifest themselves on any given day, they are typically brief in length and mild in strength. However, there is a high probability that Hurricane Casey will move through the region on any day and at any hour. This system is a very volatile and potent storm that will move through a centrally located area with no regard for any life form that may cross its path. Hurricane Casey may start out as an accumulation of high winds and storm clouds with scattered lightening bolts but can, and will, increase in pressure and intensity with little or no warning. It is not unusual for the system to grow from producing mild wind and rain to a category 5 hurricane within a matter of mere seconds; destroying everything in its path. It takes little to no opposition for this wave of destruction to reach full potency. At full strength, there is a large radius of maximum winds that will produce large-sized Hell. The Hurricane has the characteristic of exceptionally strong force. Once this storm reaches landfall, the Hurricane will intensify and the warning will remain in effect until the storm decides to subside on its own. Any effort to combat the storm will only cause a chain reaction of events that will result in complete and utter devastation. There have been recorded instances when these efforts to combat the storm have resulted in Hurricane Casey progressing into a full blown typhoon. Though researchers have spent numerous hours studying the causes and origins of the storm, they have yet to come to a reasonable conclusion. The most logical hypothesis is that the heart of the storm is spoiled and rotten. The researchers attribute this to their findings that Tropical Depression Baylie and Tropical Storm Drew break up and give way to Hurricane Casey thus allowing her to overtake their movements and unleash her destruction in any given area.
Neither Tropical Depression Baylie nor Tropical Storm Drew tends to form outside the morning hours. Be that as it may, Hurricane Casey has a history of festering throughout the day and threatens to regain strength at the drop of a hat and can reestablish itself at a moments notice and turn into a catastrophic storm.
If you are traveling through the Spring Lake Park area between the hours of 6:30 and 7:30 am, Central Standard Time, it is advised that you take an alternate route and avoid Canadian Street at all costs. If you must travel in the vicinity of these storms, proceed with extreme caution. And if you happen to come into direct contact with Hurricane Casey when the storm is at full force, may God have mercy on your soul.
This warning has been issued by the Emergency Broadcast System, the National Weather Service, the Federal Emergency Management Agency, the National Center for Bad Kids, the Parents of Bad Kids Support Group, the FBI, the CIA and Matt and Corey Graves. Don’t say you weren’t warned.
You should be on the look out for storms brewing in the Spring Lake Park area of Texarkana. One of these storms that has a tendency to develop is Tropical Depression Baylie. This storm moves slowly through the region with whining and complaining winds. You must be on the look out for a system of illnesses causing the storm to gain strength as the Depression begins to near the moment of departure. Typical characteristics of this Depression and its magnitude include, but are not limited to, intestinal irregularities, problematic symptoms located in the cranial region of the storm and uncomfortable sensations in the earnoseandthroat area of the system. Most, if not all, of these characteristics can be manifested solely through the imagination process of the storm. None the less, beware of the possibility that the storm may gain strength as it displays convincing techniques to remain stalled over the initial location from which the storm began brewing. Once Tropical Depression Baylie begins to subside, maintain a firm stance and whatever you do, do not give in to the Depression. Any wavering or weakness spotted by the storm could create an atmosphere conducive to the storm regaining strength and creating an environment of infuriation with extremely negative reactions. Warning, do not look the storm in the eye. As doing so will cause an unsuspecting bystander to succumb to the power of persuasion associated with Tropical Depression Baylie and allow the storm to remain stalled over its location of origination. This storm has shown high tendencies of developing in the early morning hours and almost always on Mondays.
If Tropical Depression Baylie does not seem to be prevalent on a certain morning, you must be on the look out for small thunderstorms developing in the west that could form into Tropical Storm Drew. This storm is characterized by typically mild thunderstorms with a tendency to subside almost immediately upon formation. It is normally not a high pressure system and generally only a few factors cause this Storm to develop into mild to moderate showers. Of these factors, the most common cause for storm maturity is a dissatisfaction with the selection of the footwear that Mother Nature has selected to cover the southern-most region of the storm. There is no pattern as to why or when the Storm will develop. And though Tropical Storm Drew rarely strengthens and will generally dwindle on its own, there are certain instances when Father Time must intercede and unleash a wave of opposing storm systems to counteract the effectiveness of the Storm. These stern and forceful systems will cause the Storm to produce sudden shrieking winds followed by a short period of intense thunderstorms with a possibility of flooding. However, this reaction is classically short-lived and the showers soon dissipate, clearing the way for blue skies and sunshine for the remainder of the day. The Storm by and large only has a 10% chance of occurring; and due to the moderate nature of the storm, there is no need for anxiousness or concern when approaching the core of the system. Proceed as normal.
Though both of these storms can manifest themselves on any given day, they are typically brief in length and mild in strength. However, there is a high probability that Hurricane Casey will move through the region on any day and at any hour. This system is a very volatile and potent storm that will move through a centrally located area with no regard for any life form that may cross its path. Hurricane Casey may start out as an accumulation of high winds and storm clouds with scattered lightening bolts but can, and will, increase in pressure and intensity with little or no warning. It is not unusual for the system to grow from producing mild wind and rain to a category 5 hurricane within a matter of mere seconds; destroying everything in its path. It takes little to no opposition for this wave of destruction to reach full potency. At full strength, there is a large radius of maximum winds that will produce large-sized Hell. The Hurricane has the characteristic of exceptionally strong force. Once this storm reaches landfall, the Hurricane will intensify and the warning will remain in effect until the storm decides to subside on its own. Any effort to combat the storm will only cause a chain reaction of events that will result in complete and utter devastation. There have been recorded instances when these efforts to combat the storm have resulted in Hurricane Casey progressing into a full blown typhoon. Though researchers have spent numerous hours studying the causes and origins of the storm, they have yet to come to a reasonable conclusion. The most logical hypothesis is that the heart of the storm is spoiled and rotten. The researchers attribute this to their findings that Tropical Depression Baylie and Tropical Storm Drew break up and give way to Hurricane Casey thus allowing her to overtake their movements and unleash her destruction in any given area.
Neither Tropical Depression Baylie nor Tropical Storm Drew tends to form outside the morning hours. Be that as it may, Hurricane Casey has a history of festering throughout the day and threatens to regain strength at the drop of a hat and can reestablish itself at a moments notice and turn into a catastrophic storm.
If you are traveling through the Spring Lake Park area between the hours of 6:30 and 7:30 am, Central Standard Time, it is advised that you take an alternate route and avoid Canadian Street at all costs. If you must travel in the vicinity of these storms, proceed with extreme caution. And if you happen to come into direct contact with Hurricane Casey when the storm is at full force, may God have mercy on your soul.
This warning has been issued by the Emergency Broadcast System, the National Weather Service, the Federal Emergency Management Agency, the National Center for Bad Kids, the Parents of Bad Kids Support Group, the FBI, the CIA and Matt and Corey Graves. Don’t say you weren’t warned.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Mutts and Morons...and One Fast Kid
It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything. We have been busy and when we haven’t been busy, I haven’t felt like writing anything. It seems like we are blowing and going non stop all week. I get up at 5:30 and we put the kids down by 8:30. Throw in church, T-ball, bible study, more T-ball, track meets, T-ball tournaments, homework and Awanas and we get to Saturday, look up, and wonder where in the crap the week went. I know a lot of you feel my pain, so don’t give me too much grief for not having posted in a while.
THREE RING CIRCUS x 2 = GRAVES' HOUSE
With three kids, I can only imagine it will get worse. As they all grow up and become more involved in different activities, we will just become increasingly busier. And as if 3 kids weren’t enough, we…check that…Corey felt we didn’t have enough to do. She talked me into getting some dogs. I guess I should back up a little. We had a boxer, Oskie. (It’s a football term, if you don’t know, don’t ask. It won’t make sense to you anyway.) He was over a year old and was a really good dog. He was a beautiful dog and was great with the kids. But as I just told you, we are pretty busy and we never really spent the time with him that he needed. As a gesture of thanks for nothing, he completely remodeled our backyard. Not so much remodeled as demolished. He chewed up our porch swing along with the kid’s swings. He dug holes in the yard and along the fence. He deposited land mines all over the yard; and made it miserable for the kids to go outside and play. So in turn, we spent less time with him, and he would tear the yard up even more. It was a vicious cycle. Well we finally bit the bullet and found another home for him. (We got connected up with Pick a Pal on Myspace and they hooked us up with a great new home for him) So we were going to wait a while and get an inside dog so the kids would have a pet and would want to play with it. Well Oskie wasn’t out of the house 48 hours and Corey was already on the internet searching for another dog. And it didn’t take her long to find what she wanted. To say it was two hours would be stretching it. As soon as she saw the Wee-Chon, she was hooked. It is a mix between a West Highland Terrior and a Bichon Frise. They are a hybrid dog. Hybrid is an extravagant way to say mutt. So anyway, within moments of discovering these mutts, she located a breeder in Daingerfield, which is about an hour and a half from Texarkana. A few phone calls later, she conned me into agreeing to get 2 of the little half-breeds. I didn’t even get “Whatever” out of my mouth before she and Baylie were in the car heading west on I-30 to Doggytown. Almost exactly an hour and a half later I get a text. “She has 3, can we have all 3?” My response was an emphatic and absolute, “NO!!!!”. We were not getting 3 dogs. No way. Not a chance. It would be a cold day…I’m sure you can guess what happened. My wife can be very convincing. VERY convincing. So an hour and a half later, she pulls into the drive with 3 fur balls that have done nothing but poop and piss everywhere. But the kids love them and my wife is happy. And when she is happy, I am happy. The little turds are pretty cute, I have to admit.
SPEED RACER
Drew started T-ball this year and we have only played a few games. He seems to enjoy it but it’s T-ball, so how does he really know. He bats twice and hangs around second base squatting down and holding his glove over his face while the game is going on. But I think what he likes the most is running the bases. And even more than that, he likes the fact that his coach brags about how fast he is. Well that has gone straight to his head. We were on our way to church the other night we had this conversation:
Drew: Dad will you pull over.
Dad: For what.
Drew: So you can let me out.
Dad: For what.
Drew: So I can run to church.
Dad: Why would you want to run to church?
Drew: Because I can run faster than this car and I’ll beat you there.
Dad: Buddy, I know you can run fast, but I’m not putting you out on the side of the road right now. Maybe another time.
(After church we were going to eat for my sister’s birthday and my mom called wanting to know where we were b/c Texas Roadhouse was going to give our table away) Drew overheard the conversation and the following discussion took place:
Drew: Dad, pull over.
Dad: What?
Drew: Pull over, please. (like I was just waiting on him to say please)
Dad: For what?
Drew: I want you to drop me off.
Dad: Where?
Drew: On the side of the road.
Dad: For what?
Drew: So I can run to Texas Roadhouse so Mammy won’t be mad at me for being late.
He’s not that fast. He is confident though.
CSI MIAMI
Everyday is an adventure in our 1st period PE class. First period is set aside for girl’s athletics. So we get all of the girls who either cannot play or get kicked out of athletics, on top of the already unmotivated group of teenagers who would just assume shoot you as to do a single jumping jack. All together there are about 68 kids in that class. And with girl’s athletics going on, they are using all of the athletic facilities so there is nowhere for us to go. We have no locker room to change in nor do we have anywhere to take them. So we go to the cafeteria. It does give us a chance to talk to the kids and we get some interesting stories along the way. One particular morning, we could tell there was something going on with a few of the girls. There was some serious teenage drama going down. So we called one of them up to find out exactly what the problem was. This girl’s parents named her after the Osh Kosh clothing line. She isn’t very smart but obviously she gets some things honest and there are some things she can’t help. We’ll call her Osh for short. Osh informed us that her best friend was trying to go out with her boyfriend behind her back and she was ticked. She was crying and fussing and carrying on like someone stole her hair weave. I asked her how she knew what was going on b/c she hadn’t talked to either the boyfriend or the girl. We suggested she talk to them first before jumping to conclusions. She promptly told us she was not jumping to conclusions, she KNEW what was happening. We asked her how she could be so sure and this is what she told us. This is exactly what she said. Honestly. I have witnesses. She said, “I ain’t as retarded as everyone thank I is. My granny watch a lotta CSI Miami and I watch CSI Miami, I put the clues together. I know that girl messin with my boyfriend.” I don’t know what was said after that because I had to get up and walk off so she would see me doubling over in laughter.
I SAW RED
Does anyone else use Redbox? It is without question one of the greatest inventions ever. They are literally red boxes that are DVD vending machines. It’s a dollar a day. We have several around town, located at Albertson’s and Wal-Mart. We use the crap out of them. The only problem is that a lot of times, when you get to a Redbox, there is someone with a 3rd grade education trying to operate the machine. My last trip to return a movie almost resulted in my first felony assault charge. She looked innocent enough but I was real close to taking out that 50 year old lady with 6 DVDs and an inability to read elementary directions on the case as to how to return the DVDs. Seriously folks, it’s not rocket science. Make sure the bar code is facing a certain way, press the Return DVD button, insert it into slot, wait a moment and repeat steps for multiple returns. So if you have never used one, you are now overqualified to maneuver through a redbox. There were about 4 people in line in front of me, and saying she was having a hard time would be an understatement. She COULD NOT get the bar code to face the right way. And there are only 2 options! If you don’t do it right, when you slide the DVD in, it spits it back at you. Well she was trying to feed them in one after another and the machine was spitting them back at her. She was cussing the machine and pushing the touch screen harder and harder, as if that was going to make her IQ level raise 30 points to where she can understand the directions. Sort of like when someone you talk to a person who doesn't speak English very fluently, you talk louder in hopes they will understand you better. Well I think she jammed her finger on the touch screen because she resorted to huffing and puffing and looking around saying, “I don’t know what’s wrong with this stupid machine.” Yeah, it’s the machine’s fault. I bet it took her 15 minutes to return her movies. It would have been longer had the guy behind her not helped her get them returned. It’s a great concept but I am going to start carrying a gun to the Redbox. If you’re too stupid to work a Redbox, you deserve to at least get shot in the butt to discourage you from coming back. Just go to Blockbuster. They’ll walk you through the process. You don’t have to do anything that requires you to think. Yeah, it costs a little more, but you have to ask yourself, is a few dollars really worth getting shot over?
THREE RING CIRCUS x 2 = GRAVES' HOUSE
With three kids, I can only imagine it will get worse. As they all grow up and become more involved in different activities, we will just become increasingly busier. And as if 3 kids weren’t enough, we…check that…Corey felt we didn’t have enough to do. She talked me into getting some dogs. I guess I should back up a little. We had a boxer, Oskie. (It’s a football term, if you don’t know, don’t ask. It won’t make sense to you anyway.) He was over a year old and was a really good dog. He was a beautiful dog and was great with the kids. But as I just told you, we are pretty busy and we never really spent the time with him that he needed. As a gesture of thanks for nothing, he completely remodeled our backyard. Not so much remodeled as demolished. He chewed up our porch swing along with the kid’s swings. He dug holes in the yard and along the fence. He deposited land mines all over the yard; and made it miserable for the kids to go outside and play. So in turn, we spent less time with him, and he would tear the yard up even more. It was a vicious cycle. Well we finally bit the bullet and found another home for him. (We got connected up with Pick a Pal on Myspace and they hooked us up with a great new home for him) So we were going to wait a while and get an inside dog so the kids would have a pet and would want to play with it. Well Oskie wasn’t out of the house 48 hours and Corey was already on the internet searching for another dog. And it didn’t take her long to find what she wanted. To say it was two hours would be stretching it. As soon as she saw the Wee-Chon, she was hooked. It is a mix between a West Highland Terrior and a Bichon Frise. They are a hybrid dog. Hybrid is an extravagant way to say mutt. So anyway, within moments of discovering these mutts, she located a breeder in Daingerfield, which is about an hour and a half from Texarkana. A few phone calls later, she conned me into agreeing to get 2 of the little half-breeds. I didn’t even get “Whatever” out of my mouth before she and Baylie were in the car heading west on I-30 to Doggytown. Almost exactly an hour and a half later I get a text. “She has 3, can we have all 3?” My response was an emphatic and absolute, “NO!!!!”. We were not getting 3 dogs. No way. Not a chance. It would be a cold day…I’m sure you can guess what happened. My wife can be very convincing. VERY convincing. So an hour and a half later, she pulls into the drive with 3 fur balls that have done nothing but poop and piss everywhere. But the kids love them and my wife is happy. And when she is happy, I am happy. The little turds are pretty cute, I have to admit.
SPEED RACER
Drew started T-ball this year and we have only played a few games. He seems to enjoy it but it’s T-ball, so how does he really know. He bats twice and hangs around second base squatting down and holding his glove over his face while the game is going on. But I think what he likes the most is running the bases. And even more than that, he likes the fact that his coach brags about how fast he is. Well that has gone straight to his head. We were on our way to church the other night we had this conversation:
Drew: Dad will you pull over.
Dad: For what.
Drew: So you can let me out.
Dad: For what.
Drew: So I can run to church.
Dad: Why would you want to run to church?
Drew: Because I can run faster than this car and I’ll beat you there.
Dad: Buddy, I know you can run fast, but I’m not putting you out on the side of the road right now. Maybe another time.
(After church we were going to eat for my sister’s birthday and my mom called wanting to know where we were b/c Texas Roadhouse was going to give our table away) Drew overheard the conversation and the following discussion took place:
Drew: Dad, pull over.
Dad: What?
Drew: Pull over, please. (like I was just waiting on him to say please)
Dad: For what?
Drew: I want you to drop me off.
Dad: Where?
Drew: On the side of the road.
Dad: For what?
Drew: So I can run to Texas Roadhouse so Mammy won’t be mad at me for being late.
He’s not that fast. He is confident though.
CSI MIAMI
Everyday is an adventure in our 1st period PE class. First period is set aside for girl’s athletics. So we get all of the girls who either cannot play or get kicked out of athletics, on top of the already unmotivated group of teenagers who would just assume shoot you as to do a single jumping jack. All together there are about 68 kids in that class. And with girl’s athletics going on, they are using all of the athletic facilities so there is nowhere for us to go. We have no locker room to change in nor do we have anywhere to take them. So we go to the cafeteria. It does give us a chance to talk to the kids and we get some interesting stories along the way. One particular morning, we could tell there was something going on with a few of the girls. There was some serious teenage drama going down. So we called one of them up to find out exactly what the problem was. This girl’s parents named her after the Osh Kosh clothing line. She isn’t very smart but obviously she gets some things honest and there are some things she can’t help. We’ll call her Osh for short. Osh informed us that her best friend was trying to go out with her boyfriend behind her back and she was ticked. She was crying and fussing and carrying on like someone stole her hair weave. I asked her how she knew what was going on b/c she hadn’t talked to either the boyfriend or the girl. We suggested she talk to them first before jumping to conclusions. She promptly told us she was not jumping to conclusions, she KNEW what was happening. We asked her how she could be so sure and this is what she told us. This is exactly what she said. Honestly. I have witnesses. She said, “I ain’t as retarded as everyone thank I is. My granny watch a lotta CSI Miami and I watch CSI Miami, I put the clues together. I know that girl messin with my boyfriend.” I don’t know what was said after that because I had to get up and walk off so she would see me doubling over in laughter.
I SAW RED
Does anyone else use Redbox? It is without question one of the greatest inventions ever. They are literally red boxes that are DVD vending machines. It’s a dollar a day. We have several around town, located at Albertson’s and Wal-Mart. We use the crap out of them. The only problem is that a lot of times, when you get to a Redbox, there is someone with a 3rd grade education trying to operate the machine. My last trip to return a movie almost resulted in my first felony assault charge. She looked innocent enough but I was real close to taking out that 50 year old lady with 6 DVDs and an inability to read elementary directions on the case as to how to return the DVDs. Seriously folks, it’s not rocket science. Make sure the bar code is facing a certain way, press the Return DVD button, insert it into slot, wait a moment and repeat steps for multiple returns. So if you have never used one, you are now overqualified to maneuver through a redbox. There were about 4 people in line in front of me, and saying she was having a hard time would be an understatement. She COULD NOT get the bar code to face the right way. And there are only 2 options! If you don’t do it right, when you slide the DVD in, it spits it back at you. Well she was trying to feed them in one after another and the machine was spitting them back at her. She was cussing the machine and pushing the touch screen harder and harder, as if that was going to make her IQ level raise 30 points to where she can understand the directions. Sort of like when someone you talk to a person who doesn't speak English very fluently, you talk louder in hopes they will understand you better. Well I think she jammed her finger on the touch screen because she resorted to huffing and puffing and looking around saying, “I don’t know what’s wrong with this stupid machine.” Yeah, it’s the machine’s fault. I bet it took her 15 minutes to return her movies. It would have been longer had the guy behind her not helped her get them returned. It’s a great concept but I am going to start carrying a gun to the Redbox. If you’re too stupid to work a Redbox, you deserve to at least get shot in the butt to discourage you from coming back. Just go to Blockbuster. They’ll walk you through the process. You don’t have to do anything that requires you to think. Yeah, it costs a little more, but you have to ask yourself, is a few dollars really worth getting shot over?
Friday, January 2, 2009
Hickonics
The great novelist Ernest Hemingway suggested you not mix emotions with a good glass of wine, it loses its taste. Well, if that’s the case, having an English degree shouldn’t be mixed with intolerance while living in East Texas. Good grammar in East Texas is going the way of the Hybrid Spider Monkey (trust me it’s not looking good for the little primates). The two elements are as compatible as oil and water. They go together like ice cream and pickles. They are associated with one another about like Jack Black and Academy Awards. You got it yet? For those few unfortunate readers, who are unfamiliar with the geographic setting classified as East Texas, let me help you. If you get out your map of Texas, stick the spike of a compass on Longview, then draw a circle of what would approximately be 100 miles all around, you have a rough calculation of what makes up East Texas. (You like how I keep capitalizing it like it’s a state in and of itself? I’m sure there are a few people down in Austin who would be more than happy to fill up a petition and allow us to annex ourselves from the rest of the state. Probably wouldn’t be a bad idea!) Well within that little circle of mapage (new word) there are thousands of people who ABSOLUTELY REFUSE to use proper grammar. And it aggravates the living crap out of me (that’s an odd saying isn’t it). A few years back, the word Ebonics was created to describe the language that African Americans use to communicate with each other (as a matter of fact, if you go to school at LSU, you can major in Ebonomics). So in the spirit of creation, I give you Hickonics. Hickonics is the unashamed use of improper grammar to communicate with both the educated and uneducated factions of society. There are a few commonly used phrases in hickonics that particularly get under my skin. “I aint got no”, “I done seen it”, “They done been” and “It don’t get no” are all commonly used statements of ignorance that are thrown around very loosely in this part of the country. Nothing makes someone sound more uneducated than improper grammar. But these idiots don’t care. I would worry about offending some of them if they are reading, but they probably stopped reading at Ernest Hemingway.
So Corey and I are constantly correcting our children when they fall off the wagon and begin speaking hickonics. I’m not talking about the cute little things that kids tend to mispronounce. Baylie used to call concrete, crete-cron and a suitcase, cutesase. Drew calls marshmallows, smarshmellas. Casey tells Drew not to underrupt her when she is talking. No, I’m not talking about these dyslexic mispronunciations. I’m talking about full blown conversations of stupidity. You never really know what your kids are paying attention to and what they hold onto when you are not around. Well one day during December, my mom was at her piano with Baylie and cousin Macy singing the Christmas song, “I’m Gettin Nuttin For Christmas.” The words are just that, “I’m gettin nuttin for Christmas, Mommy and Daddy are mad.” Baylie and Macy are singing at the top of their lungs when Drew comes bouncing around the corner. My mom tries to recruit Drew to join along. He stops them and lets them know he WILL NOT sing that song because you are supposed to say, “I’m not getting anything for Christmas.” Baylie rolled her eyes at him and said, “Drew! It’s just a song. Those are the words of the song. Just sing it.” Drew looks back at her and says, “Nope. Mommy and Daddy will be mad if I sing that song and then I might not get anything for Christmas.” Baylie just shook her head and kept singing. Drew left the room and went to get Baylie an application for LSU.
Of course, if there is an essay part on that LSU application requiring the applicants to describe some things he/she is good at, Baylie’s got a scholarship locked up. A few weeks back, the lesson at church was centered around being humble. When the kids broke into their Sunday school classes, they did an activity that was supposed to correlate with the theme of humbleness. I think Baylie missed the boat. After church, she ran up to us and handed us a piece of paper. This is exactly what was on it.
1. I am good at swiming.
2. I am good at reading.
3. I am good at gimnasticks.
4. I am good at siense.
5. I am good at math.
6. I am smart.
7. I am good at cherring.
8. I am good at …
One of Webster’s definitions of humble is “having a feeling of insignificance, inferiority.” I don’t think Baylie has an inferiority complex! Though she may have missed the underlying theme of the lesson, at least she didn’t start the paper with, “I done been good at swiming.”
I hope everyone had a Very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I’m not one to make resolutions, but if you are, here’s hoping you don’t break em. And if your resolution is to use better grammar in 09, God Bless You. Spread the intelligence and join the cause to stomp out ignorance.
So Corey and I are constantly correcting our children when they fall off the wagon and begin speaking hickonics. I’m not talking about the cute little things that kids tend to mispronounce. Baylie used to call concrete, crete-cron and a suitcase, cutesase. Drew calls marshmallows, smarshmellas. Casey tells Drew not to underrupt her when she is talking. No, I’m not talking about these dyslexic mispronunciations. I’m talking about full blown conversations of stupidity. You never really know what your kids are paying attention to and what they hold onto when you are not around. Well one day during December, my mom was at her piano with Baylie and cousin Macy singing the Christmas song, “I’m Gettin Nuttin For Christmas.” The words are just that, “I’m gettin nuttin for Christmas, Mommy and Daddy are mad.” Baylie and Macy are singing at the top of their lungs when Drew comes bouncing around the corner. My mom tries to recruit Drew to join along. He stops them and lets them know he WILL NOT sing that song because you are supposed to say, “I’m not getting anything for Christmas.” Baylie rolled her eyes at him and said, “Drew! It’s just a song. Those are the words of the song. Just sing it.” Drew looks back at her and says, “Nope. Mommy and Daddy will be mad if I sing that song and then I might not get anything for Christmas.” Baylie just shook her head and kept singing. Drew left the room and went to get Baylie an application for LSU.
Of course, if there is an essay part on that LSU application requiring the applicants to describe some things he/she is good at, Baylie’s got a scholarship locked up. A few weeks back, the lesson at church was centered around being humble. When the kids broke into their Sunday school classes, they did an activity that was supposed to correlate with the theme of humbleness. I think Baylie missed the boat. After church, she ran up to us and handed us a piece of paper. This is exactly what was on it.
1. I am good at swiming.
2. I am good at reading.
3. I am good at gimnasticks.
4. I am good at siense.
5. I am good at math.
6. I am smart.
7. I am good at cherring.
8. I am good at …
One of Webster’s definitions of humble is “having a feeling of insignificance, inferiority.” I don’t think Baylie has an inferiority complex! Though she may have missed the underlying theme of the lesson, at least she didn’t start the paper with, “I done been good at swiming.”
I hope everyone had a Very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I’m not one to make resolutions, but if you are, here’s hoping you don’t break em. And if your resolution is to use better grammar in 09, God Bless You. Spread the intelligence and join the cause to stomp out ignorance.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Screaming Goldfish
I wanted to post this anecdote Saturday night. It’s Monday and I think I am far enough removed from the event enough to write it objectively. Probably not, though. You’ll be shocked to find out that Casey threw a full blown conniption fit. It was one of her best. If her fit were a college football game, it would be an instant classic. It all started b/c we were invited to a birthday party for the 3 year old son of one of Corey’s co-workers. I say we…but let’s be honest, we all know that were it not for those 3 little angels, we wouldn’t have been invited to spend a Saturday night fighting 4 to 9 year olds for prize tickets at Chuck E Cheese. Truth be known, we were used for our kids. It happens all the time and it happens to all of us. You know what I am talking about. We are ALL guilty of it. Parents invite their friends that have kids to their kid’s birthday party. Nevermind that the kids don’t anymore know each other than they know who the New Kids On The Block are. And it doesn’t matter if the kids are boy or girl, black or white, rich or poor, ugly or cute (you know you were thinking it). As long as your kids are within a 5 year age range of the birthday child, you get invited. They want their kids to feel like they have a bunch of new friends who all of the sudden care that it is their birthday. But the kids don’t care. They are just there for the cake and ice cream. And party favors (If you want to really piss the parents off who you invite to the party, give away Goldfish as party favors. Thanks Jenee). So, as you could expect, we are in high demand. People need us....err our 3 kids. We raise the friend tally by 3 when we walk in the door. (And the noise level by at least 3 decibels.)
But that is not why I had to wait at least 48 hours to publicly record what took place at 1310 Canadian Street. No, that honor goes to sweet little Casey. Big surprise, huh? From the moment she woke up from her nap on Saturday afternoon, she was unbearable. And that’s putting it lightly. Nothing would satisfy her. She didn’t want anything to do with anybody. She didn’t want anybody talking to her. She didn’t want anybody looking at her. She didn’t want anybody even THINKING about looking at her. It got to a point, I had enough. I told her that if she didn’t stop acting the way she was, she was NOT going to the party (which would mean I would get to stay home with her, and while we’re being candid, I didn’t really want to go to that freaking party anyway. And, at this point, it was only about 3:30 in the afternoon and the party wasn’t until 6. So I liked my chances.). Well just the sheer mention of the possibility of her not getting to go completely set her off. She started jumping and stomping and yelling, “I WANT TO GO TO THE PARTY.” As you can see, my motivational tactics are brilliant! Very influential. My words are so profound…okay so I scrap the motivational ploy and resort to physical violence. I snatch her up and spank her. I know it was effective b/c it was one of those cries where her mouth was open, her eyes were closed and her face turned Razorback red, but nothing came out of her mouth. You know the one. The hesitation cry. You know it’s coming, it just takes a second. The calm before the storm. Then all hell breaks loose and every dog in the neighborhood starts howling and yelling in response…or maybe its capitulation. Anyway, she went to her room and calmed down eventually. The time comes to get ready to leave and Corey is getting her ready. Corey asked Casey to put her shoes on. All of the sudden, she became completely incapable of putting on a pair of shoes and let everyone in ear shot know she was not going to even try. The simple phrase, “I CAN’T!!” has become a source of content for me around our house. And she apparently likes to content me (whatever that means). Well that was it. She was not going to the party. I could have cut her right arm off without any anesthetic and she wouldn’t have screamed any louder than when I told her she wasn’t going. I didn’t really care. I have a high tolerance for ear-piercing bawling if it is a result of me depriving one of my children of joy. You know me, I just love torturing my children. Nothing gets me more excited. I love it. (You picked up on the sarcasm yet?) Well Corey, Baylie and Drew were in the car and ready to go. Corey looks at Baylie and she is in tears. The big fat alligator variety. Baylie cannot stand that she is going to the party and that Casey is upset, in trouble and not going. So Corey starts crying. Baylie starts getting out and says she doesn’t want to go to the party and Corey starts to follow her. All the while, Drew is in the back seat, still buckled and waiting patiently. He looks at Corey and says, “Do I have to go inside?”(Someone said something about cake and ice cream and party favors and Chuck E Cheese. He didn’t care who was going and who was staying-or whose party it was, for that matter. If he had to drive himself, he was going to that party!) When Baylie came in, I convinced her it was her duty as a big sister to go to the party and show Casey that you get rewarded for being good. So off they went. Casey went nuts when they left again, but after about 5 minutes, she was fine. We sat and watched a movie and ate pretzels and drank chocolate milk. It was a pretty enjoyable evening. About half way through the movie, she turned to me and said, “Daddy, I was being a bad girl so I didn’t get to go to the party. Next time I am going to be a good girl so I can go to the party.” Praise Jesus!! She can be cute and precious when she wants to be. At some point though, she’s gonna realize that she is not gonna get her way. She’ll learn eventually that it ends with me winning. Always. And the sooner she figures that out, the better off we will ALL be.
But that is not why I had to wait at least 48 hours to publicly record what took place at 1310 Canadian Street. No, that honor goes to sweet little Casey. Big surprise, huh? From the moment she woke up from her nap on Saturday afternoon, she was unbearable. And that’s putting it lightly. Nothing would satisfy her. She didn’t want anything to do with anybody. She didn’t want anybody talking to her. She didn’t want anybody looking at her. She didn’t want anybody even THINKING about looking at her. It got to a point, I had enough. I told her that if she didn’t stop acting the way she was, she was NOT going to the party (which would mean I would get to stay home with her, and while we’re being candid, I didn’t really want to go to that freaking party anyway. And, at this point, it was only about 3:30 in the afternoon and the party wasn’t until 6. So I liked my chances.). Well just the sheer mention of the possibility of her not getting to go completely set her off. She started jumping and stomping and yelling, “I WANT TO GO TO THE PARTY.” As you can see, my motivational tactics are brilliant! Very influential. My words are so profound…okay so I scrap the motivational ploy and resort to physical violence. I snatch her up and spank her. I know it was effective b/c it was one of those cries where her mouth was open, her eyes were closed and her face turned Razorback red, but nothing came out of her mouth. You know the one. The hesitation cry. You know it’s coming, it just takes a second. The calm before the storm. Then all hell breaks loose and every dog in the neighborhood starts howling and yelling in response…or maybe its capitulation. Anyway, she went to her room and calmed down eventually. The time comes to get ready to leave and Corey is getting her ready. Corey asked Casey to put her shoes on. All of the sudden, she became completely incapable of putting on a pair of shoes and let everyone in ear shot know she was not going to even try. The simple phrase, “I CAN’T!!” has become a source of content for me around our house. And she apparently likes to content me (whatever that means). Well that was it. She was not going to the party. I could have cut her right arm off without any anesthetic and she wouldn’t have screamed any louder than when I told her she wasn’t going. I didn’t really care. I have a high tolerance for ear-piercing bawling if it is a result of me depriving one of my children of joy. You know me, I just love torturing my children. Nothing gets me more excited. I love it. (You picked up on the sarcasm yet?) Well Corey, Baylie and Drew were in the car and ready to go. Corey looks at Baylie and she is in tears. The big fat alligator variety. Baylie cannot stand that she is going to the party and that Casey is upset, in trouble and not going. So Corey starts crying. Baylie starts getting out and says she doesn’t want to go to the party and Corey starts to follow her. All the while, Drew is in the back seat, still buckled and waiting patiently. He looks at Corey and says, “Do I have to go inside?”(Someone said something about cake and ice cream and party favors and Chuck E Cheese. He didn’t care who was going and who was staying-or whose party it was, for that matter. If he had to drive himself, he was going to that party!) When Baylie came in, I convinced her it was her duty as a big sister to go to the party and show Casey that you get rewarded for being good. So off they went. Casey went nuts when they left again, but after about 5 minutes, she was fine. We sat and watched a movie and ate pretzels and drank chocolate milk. It was a pretty enjoyable evening. About half way through the movie, she turned to me and said, “Daddy, I was being a bad girl so I didn’t get to go to the party. Next time I am going to be a good girl so I can go to the party.” Praise Jesus!! She can be cute and precious when she wants to be. At some point though, she’s gonna realize that she is not gonna get her way. She’ll learn eventually that it ends with me winning. Always. And the sooner she figures that out, the better off we will ALL be.
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