Hickonics

The great novelist Ernest Hemingway suggested you not mix emotions with a good glass of wine, it loses its taste. Well, if that’s the case, having an English degree shouldn’t be mixed with intolerance while living in East Texas. Good grammar in East Texas is going the way of the Hybrid Spider Monkey (trust me it’s not looking good for the little primates). The two elements are as compatible as oil and water. They go together like ice cream and pickles. They are associated with one another about like Jack Black and Academy Awards. You got it yet? For those few unfortunate readers, who are unfamiliar with the geographic setting classified as East Texas, let me help you. If you get out your map of Texas, stick the spike of a compass on Longview, then draw a circle of what would approximately be 100 miles all around, you have a rough calculation of what makes up East Texas. (You like how I keep capitalizing it like it’s a state in and of itself? I’m sure there are a few people down in Austin who would be more than happy to fill up a petition and allow us to annex ourselves from the rest of the state. Probably wouldn’t be a bad idea!) Well within that little circle of mapage (new word) there are thousands of people who ABSOLUTELY REFUSE to use proper grammar. And it aggravates the living crap out of me (that’s an odd saying isn’t it). A few years back, the word Ebonics was created to describe the language that African Americans use to communicate with each other (as a matter of fact, if you go to school at LSU, you can major in Ebonomics). So in the spirit of creation, I give you Hickonics. Hickonics is the unashamed use of improper grammar to communicate with both the educated and uneducated factions of society. There are a few commonly used phrases in hickonics that particularly get under my skin. “I aint got no”, “I done seen it”, “They done been” and “It don’t get no” are all commonly used statements of ignorance that are thrown around very loosely in this part of the country. Nothing makes someone sound more uneducated than improper grammar. But these idiots don’t care. I would worry about offending some of them if they are reading, but they probably stopped reading at Ernest Hemingway.

So Corey and I are constantly correcting our children when they fall off the wagon and begin speaking hickonics. I’m not talking about the cute little things that kids tend to mispronounce. Baylie used to call concrete, crete-cron and a suitcase, cutesase. Drew calls marshmallows, smarshmellas. Casey tells Drew not to underrupt her when she is talking. No, I’m not talking about these dyslexic mispronunciations. I’m talking about full blown conversations of stupidity. You never really know what your kids are paying attention to and what they hold onto when you are not around. Well one day during December, my mom was at her piano with Baylie and cousin Macy singing the Christmas song, “I’m Gettin Nuttin For Christmas.” The words are just that, “I’m gettin nuttin for Christmas, Mommy and Daddy are mad.” Baylie and Macy are singing at the top of their lungs when Drew comes bouncing around the corner. My mom tries to recruit Drew to join along. He stops them and lets them know he WILL NOT sing that song because you are supposed to say, “I’m not getting anything for Christmas.” Baylie rolled her eyes at him and said, “Drew! It’s just a song. Those are the words of the song. Just sing it.” Drew looks back at her and says, “Nope. Mommy and Daddy will be mad if I sing that song and then I might not get anything for Christmas.” Baylie just shook her head and kept singing. Drew left the room and went to get Baylie an application for LSU.

Of course, if there is an essay part on that LSU application requiring the applicants to describe some things he/she is good at, Baylie’s got a scholarship locked up. A few weeks back, the lesson at church was centered around being humble. When the kids broke into their Sunday school classes, they did an activity that was supposed to correlate with the theme of humbleness. I think Baylie missed the boat. After church, she ran up to us and handed us a piece of paper. This is exactly what was on it.
1. I am good at swiming.
2. I am good at reading.
3. I am good at gimnasticks.
4. I am good at siense.
5. I am good at math.
6. I am smart.
7. I am good at cherring.
8. I am good at …
One of Webster’s definitions of humble is “having a feeling of insignificance, inferiority.” I don’t think Baylie has an inferiority complex! Though she may have missed the underlying theme of the lesson, at least she didn’t start the paper with, “I done been good at swiming.”

I hope everyone had a Very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I’m not one to make resolutions, but if you are, here’s hoping you don’t break em. And if your resolution is to use better grammar in 09, God Bless You. Spread the intelligence and join the cause to stomp out ignorance.